dating?

I can’t sleep. 

I can’t, cause i never stop thinking about it.

Okay, someone asked me for a date. He’s just a friend of mine. And he already met my mom(even just for a minute and half šŸ˜‚). 

But now, he asked me..again. I don’t know. I’m new to this, even though I am 20 yrs old, but I’m still new at “dating”. 

Yeah, it’s mean nothing, and we are a friend, but….. 

then I asked my mom, bolehka? then she said, boleh if mama ikut.. *laughing* okayyy.. i think that’s a good sign from my mom. Anddddd i was brave + stupid enough to asked my brother anddd he’s reaction was not good, by i mean not good, it was bad. He keep silent for a-i-dont-think-the-clock-is-ticking and no answer.

Then i waited for a couple of conversations (about other things) then i asked him again, he diam and thinking for a moment *now i know silence can’t kill* then he said, “I’ve been out with many girls before, the first date thing, and imagining you becoming like those girls, talking random things, walking with the guy, I don’t think you are ready. If you are far away from us, i will be fine with it but as long as you’re here under my guardian, I don’t think i will allow you to do that”. 

Ohhh mannn. No means no. Right? Then he said, whoever the guys is, he should came up ready with few deadly questions from him. 

but….it just a date of a friend…but..still no.. 

#onefineday #notready 

Living in a fairytale?

if you ask me, yea, my mom raised me with fairytale story, happy ending, romance novel and she teach me so many things about love.

in my 19 years of life, my definition of TRUE LOVE is when someone or to be precise an opposite gender someone that we don’t know accept all of my flaws, willing to spend his(in my case, a male) life with me, someone perfect, someone that so handsome until I can call him my own prince charming, someone that I fall in love in first sight and someone that can guide me to the right path until we can go to Jannah together and because of this i prayed to Allah to give me a better version of a person inside my life because I want to be better…

but actually I was wrong.

since the beginning, I’m living with the true-love-of-my-life. she is my MOM. my mother. she fall in love with me since I was a little blip inside her womb. she’s willing to do everything for me, the morning sickness, the craving of river fish that she never loved, she tried to fulfil all of it, she tried.

right now, my dream of hearing “future” lullaby is no longer exist. actually, i have it already, i just have to see it from the other side, my mom snore is my lullaby. it is more than snore, it is everything.

once, i want to be a better person for that “future” but now i know i want to be better because of my mom. she is the most better person for an example that i can’t ask for more. she’s perfect in everything. she is a strong woman.

once, i want to be married when i’m 23 years old, but now, i know it is too soon. i want to take care of my mom. i can never repay everything that she’s have done to me, but i’m willing to spend the rest of my life with her, forever. let’s achieve the Jannah together mom.

once, I want to live on my own so that I can never heard she’s scolding me about my wrongdoings, but now, I want to learn and I want to heard every single detail about it. she raise me to be a good daughter,a good person, not a rebel.

now i see it, i am living in my own fairytale. so perfect. i have a person that love me beside me. its okay to be hate by many, as long as to be loved by one.

-road-to-be-a-better-daughter-person-

 

where my heart is…

IMG_2810.JPG

i miss my mom. so much. that i could die.

my mom is my strength..

well here i am, 3am in my deepest thought and thinking about my mom and how much i miss her. at this state, i’m just hoping my mom is here and embracing me with her warmest hug in the world, where i feel safe, comfortable and relax..

this night/morning, i will tell you something that i never tell openly / share through my other social media. and yes, some of my new friends can detect and sometimes the question will popped out and asked me, “you always told us about your mom and brother, but where is your father? why you never post any picture with him?”Ā well, let me tell you, I grew up without a father guidance or love beside me, i just experienced the father’s love for 4 days after i was born.. yups.. that the truth that i will tell in the other story. tonight, i want to share about my mom.

raising us as a single parent is the bravest and strongest thing i can never imagine how painful and how suffering it is. yet, she never complain and always give her best and once she told me,Ā i don’t want my kids to feel the emptiness growing up without a father, i want to provide everything that the kids with father & mother have.. yeah, its true, i never felt any kekuranganĀ or disadvantage of not having a father for my whole life. can you imagine how strong she is? she has to give us everything on her own, a shelter, a transportation, basics needs all of it on her own, sometimes she even have to forget about her desire just because she want to fulfil ours.

my mom is our comfort zone, but what is her comfort zone? yes, we are her comfort zone, seeing us smiling and growing up in front of her eyes is her greatest achievement. but deep inside, as a girl, i know how she needs a man’s love. i never blame the faith that has been written for us, but i wish that someone can see how beautiful gems my mom is. i want to help her, in financial, in problems that she might with her colleague but with my experience in life, i can’t do anything about it.. i feel sad,.. maybe her spouse is waiting for her in Jannah, my mom deserve it. i prayed every single day, my mom will always be in a good health, happiness and blessing from Allah.

in another world, i know my dad loves my mom,.. but, it’s time for my mom to have someone new that love her endlessly. i really hope..

i love you, Ma.